Amateur Offering Scriptshadow Review
Read over a few screenplays from the amateur offerings this week and voted on Eternal Lies.
Here are a few things we learned:
Ensure your hero doesn't just have an external flaw (struggles reading, etc.) look to find a moral flaw for the hero -- how is the way he's living hurting others?
Beware lots of characters early on, without conflict to drive the story forward
Use a scene agitator (two people talking while people are fighting behind them) OR character quirks (someone is really defensive) OR conflict to spice up on-the-nose dialogue.
Here's the video of the review:
Here are the line by line notes:
SS 5/1 notes
VOTE: ETERNAL LIES
Eternal Lies P1 - misspelling days -- not good on P1 P1 - clarify parenthetical P1 - good intro - it's tough to have a "non main character" opening - but keep it short and punchy if you have one (which you do!) P3 - good intro - picture of the person & insight into a relationship (winks @ steve) P3- spelling on and - an P4- beware long swaths of philosophical dialogue w/o conflict P6 - not the most unique dialogue -- scene agitator OR char conflict OR more dynamic quirks P5 - relic should be a specific thing P7 - dialogue is predictable "no don't talk about my dark past"
GOOD: --strong start to plot gets moving --good use of intro scene - these are tricky to pull off
IMPROVE: --dialogue --characters seem cookie cutter how can we make these people stand out as individuals not tropes
SICKNESS AND HEALTH: P1 - using metaphor as someone's dialogue tag "HALF HIS AGE" seems a bit show offy -- just name the character a real name P1 - "five" seems odd unless explained soon P1 - (he is) odd use of parenthetical can't SHOW P1 - maybe he checks his drivers licence on the way out P3 - if these 3 characters matter, give more time to intro each if they DON'T cut them P5 - a lot of the caracters don't really stand out P5 - morgan's char intro should be a bit more in depth P5 - a few half scenes, but no full sequence of action yet...
GOOD: --like dialogue and humor --funny intro scene / good hook
IMPROVE: --looots of characters, they don't stand out from eachother --no forward drive among the sequences yet
The Magic Ferret: P1 - each / each - bumps readers out of story P1 - bring the action to the scene - it's more fun to read it happening than the reaction P1 - nevermind ^^ P2 - beware lots of characters in the 1st scene P4 - good goal - magic camp & B avg P5 - dialogue in this scene seems a bit on the nose P6 - good show w violet P6 - show the determination - P8 - usually avoid bold and go with caps P8 - light conflict for a bit, but you may want to have conflict with the meeting of ferret P8 - will sam make a CHOICE so that he's WORTHY of his great SCION assistent P10 - want to start hinting at his FLAW which will dictate his great obstacle P11 - character flaw seems a little external not internal P11 - I'd setup the Jackson / Gemma dynamic P12 - wish fulfillment scripts like Blank Check / Mathilda P13 - the operation joke visual is a bit on the edge of tamperin with your tone, though its good
GOOD: --Great comedy even for kids which is tough --like the character of Sam and that he has a stong goal --original idea - ferret telekensis --heartwarming --good goals setup and stakes (camp) --SHOW not Tell is good
ImPROVE --Flaw and moral FLAW need to be developed along with the external flaw you already have --Meeting of the ferret and how you handle "wish fulfillment"
